Assalamualaikum readers,
It has been ages since I last updated my life here in medical school. It’s currently 4:36 PM as I were writing this post, my body physically tired and my mind filled with things I had and wanted to do. It feels like 24 hours wasn’t enough for me. I did not realize that time fly so fast and suddenly I’m in my fifth year.
To be honest I feel a little suffocated, I guess if you’re not in medical field or you’re planning to join one – you have probably heard people saying that “budak medik takde life” and then you observe all those doctor-instagram-influencers and you thought to yourself, that’s not true. Well yes it’s true. It’s just that, busy life have been so common, such a routine, a habit that none of us realize it’s not an ideal life at all. People just seems to accept it the way it is.
I’ll give you a little example, I’m posted into pediatric since 2 weeks ago and now I’m doing my rotation in general ward. Last week I did my rotation in neonatal ward. I had to wake up early to study cause these brain seems to be empty no matter how much I learn, there’s always something new. Then I had ward work from 8-1pm, followed by extra class or requirement in the evening such as long case, short case, case based learning etc. At night, I would have to either prepare myself for the upcoming class, do revision for previous class or study. There’s always studying to do. Not to mention all the pending case report that we were required to write and update from time to time. Sometimes we have to go on-call during weekend, which means I have one off day per week. I had to use that off day to study as well cause apparently I still haven’t covered all the important topics. I’m not complaining about the system, it’s perfectly ideal learning method – it’s just that at times I do lose myself in the process. Honestly, I don’t even know how to do anything else other than studying.
The pressure to be people my age is higher than ever, medical students in previous decades were provided with scholarship and immediately offered to be housemen once they graduated. It is not the same for us. Once I graduate, In shaa allah, pray for me guys, but once I graduate I have a huge student-loan-debt waiting for me and there was no promise if we ever going to make it into housemen. When we do make it into housemen, we have to wait minimum 6 months and some people had to wait up to a year. Even then, it just doesn’t get better, we all heard of the stories whereas housemen is the most painful phase as a medical practitioner, I’ve had secondhand experience watching housemen struggling right in front of my eyes. Meaning it doesn’t get better from here is it? But I pray for the best, may Allah swt ease the path for all of us to make it through.
Does it end there ? definitely no. Even when we finish housemen, we’re probably not going to secure a permanent job, as in everyone will be tied with contract. Don’t get me started with everything wrong with being a contract dr. It’s just a whole new discussions that brings me rage and all I wanted now is to breathe a little and get back to doing my work.
For the past four years, the thoughts that I should quit medicine cross my mind almost every single day. How bad it had to be for me to have such thoughts on a daily basis, but I told myself to really give this a chance and don’t rush in making such a huge decision. So I endure, I actually went through all four years and currently I’m in my final one. Now I find myself in the state of less confused, I decided I want to be a doctor. I decided this is for me, this path I took – it was meant for me. It’s difficult but it’s my hardships therefore it shall be my winning as well to take this to the finishing line. I want to do this, I’m just really really tired.
Sometimes I go to social media and I see how different other people are living their lives, and I feel so left behind. Some got married, some graduated, some went travelling everywhere. I still stuck in the very same place with the very same problem. I got a chance to catch up with my foundation friends few months ago (despite this covid-19 epidemic, I can’t even believe it myself), and they all were talking about struggles of trying to secure interview and work placement. Meanwhile I’m here still doing my degree. I guess in a way, everyone have their own afflictions, I should never compared, I never said being in medicine is the hardest, but I can assure it cannot be defined as easy and fun. No one ever in their right mind would want to repeat their medicine undergraduate experience.
I really miss my group during fourth year, had the best chemistry with them. We go through everything together and not once do I feel like my life was hard, cause they’re always there with me. My group now is nice and good as well, but it’s like building a new relationship – we’re still getting to know each other. I hope anyone who came across this post and took their sweet time to read the whole thing, may Allah swt bless you and thank you for reading this useless rant of mine. Do pray Allah swt ease my path and make me a humble and competent dr for the society. In shaa Allah. Till next post.
Assalamualaikum.
HAIRANIS 